Author: Conor

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If you had taken a second mortgage on your home and placed the entire sum on a Vegas bet that “nothing in this book could possibly be worse than the chapters spent on the John Hughes planet” I am sorry and I hope you can find another home. Because the chapters on the Prince and Silmarillion planets are not only worse, they are the worst things ever created by humankind, and that includes all of our wars and the invention of hot pincer-based torture.

Conor takes on the Real or Fanfic challenge, we read some mail, and discover some very very dumb sentences.

For next time: FINISH THE DAMN BOOK!

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Ernest Cline’s runaway best seller continues to disgust and annoy us, even as it approaches the home stretch. In this episode we wrap up the seemingly endless John Hughes quest by meeting an actual John Hughes NPC (not actually John Hughes). Then we’re off to Halcydonia, where we all try to pretend that Zoobilee Zoo wasn’t a terrifying TV show. Then it’s off to the Prince Planet, where our characters alternate between weeping about their abusive childhoods and trying to go hump things at virtual strip clubs. It’s just great.

All this plus the long-awaited merging of the High Five and the Low Five, Fanfic or Real, and Dumb Dumb Dumb Sentences.

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For next time, read thru Chapter 26. And yeah, Conor’s audio is a bit lower fidelity than it should be, he was recording on a remote rig that was only a heckuva a rig, not a hell of a. It will be fixed going forward.

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Conor states with confidence that this episode contains a chapter that is the dumbest and therefore the greatest of any that has been covered by 372 Pages!

The editor has taken her hand off the tiller and what we’re getting now is pure, uncut Cline. That means level-by-level coverage of a video game, stupid-by-stupid vignettes of classic 80s movies like Heat and Curly Sue and, just for fun, a fuel bomb explosion that slaughters dozens of innocents in a city park. But, hey – Samantha has an Annie Potts avatar!

All the departments as well as archival audio of Agatha Christie and a Dark Web gem that Conor found over Christmas while avoiding his family.

READING ASSIGNMENT FOR NEXT TIME: Through chapter 21.

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After countless pages of Worldbuilding and freeing child slaves when our hero felt like it, Ernest Cline finally lets some things happen in this section. The action kicks off when a Gunter and a Sharter listen to a Morissey song in silence and it doesn’t let up from there! By the time we’re done, there’s been a kidnapping, a shareholder’s meeting, and the rollout of a new firmware update. Also, Cline introduces his most annoying tic yet: telling us information again that he just told us. And by the time we’re done with this section, there’s been a kidnapping, a shareholder’s meeting, and the rollout of a new firmware update.

All this plus Real or Fanfic, Emails, and Dumb Sentences.

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For next time: read thru Chapter 16

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So much to cover:

Conor is shocked at Cline’s revelation that there may be a downside to the internet

Conor is shocked at Cline’s revelation that gigantic media conglomerates may not have his best interest at heart

Mike is delighted when Cline teaches him that social media allows people to share “memes, files, photos and songs”

There’s a gigantic space ark: but what are its data storage needs?
All this plus Real or FanFic, Listener Mail, and the revelation that The 372 Players live in a closet!

READING ASSIGNMENT: Finish Chap 9

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Ready Player Two? Let me ask that again; Ready Player Two?! I don’t think you are!! But Conor and Mike are ready. Having only an evening to read the first few chapters, here are some questions addressed: Did you have “faint numbness” with your previous rig? Solved! Could you feel “tiny craters of pulp” beneath your fingers when you crushed an apple with previous rigs? Solved! Were all your previous efforts in the Oasis “senseless pantomimes”? Yes, of course they were, you Sharter!

NEXT ASSIGNMENT: Read through chapter four.

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Yes, this may be the final episode of Midnight Sun but Alice has looked into the future and Mike and Conor are still reading it in every possibility but this one.

We won’t spoil anything about the episode itself but stay tuned to the very end and help us (and 372 listener Josh who sent it in) solve the deep mystery of the shared / unshared lasagna in the greater Twilight universe…

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Phil hears from an assistant coach of the Sidewinders that there may be a backup shortstop position opening up! So Renee and he may drive back to Phoenix!!!!!!!!

Also, the tireless and cunning James the Tracker is making plans to watch his collection of VHS tapes in a room with a gold chair rail once he lands his Piper Cub at Chandler Municipal Airport.

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So a lot going on, people. In addition to all of that Conor rediscovers the James Earl Jones speech from Field of Dreams and makes his own audiobook really drilling down on Edward’s awareness of his own black soul.

Plus mail and dumb sentences. For next time, finish the damn book!

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How em dash HOW em dash is this book not about Charlie hauling in a world record white perch, or at the very least the story of him getting a treble hook buried into his thigh? Why not page after page of Carlisle being tutored in Courtly Italian by some foppish vampire with a high starched collar?!

Nope. What we get is page after impossibly long page of Bella slurping down Toastee-Os while Edward tortures himself wondering whether her using the big spoon means that she hates him.

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But it does lead to a fairly strong showing by Conor in Real or Fanfic, the Dumb Sentences flow and we share some harrowing tales by listeners.

For next time read thru Chapter 24!

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Twilight but as told from the vampire’s point of view, continues to be a collection of words strung together in mostly coherent fashion, with occasional digressions to count thousands of insects. There you go, Little Brown, you can use that as a quote on the cover of the paperback.

We hit the halfway mark during this episode and Mike and Conor found much to discuss. The role of Gordon Bombay in the Twilight-verse, the logic of taking the world’s biggest klutz hiking, and Mike Newton’s quest for the good leads are all addressed. Plus a visit to the dark web and Mike (Nelson, not Newton)’s attempt to convince Conor that Real or Fanfic is actually much harder than it looks.

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For next time read thru Chapter 20! We’ll post the Midnight Sun meme contest soon, so get ready!

UPDATE: As requested in this ep, cartoonist Bob Fingerman drew his rendition of the “aggressively, forcefully female” vampire Siobahn

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