372 Pages We'll Never Get Back
Conor Lastowka and Michael J. Nelson are reading books they're pretty sure they're going to hate. Read along with us for a podcast book clubs of Ready Player One, Armada, The Eye of Argon, Dan Brown, and more!
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Alright, NOW it’s time for Book 24! This one did very well in our Patreon poll a few years ago, so we’re excited to finally tackle it. But first, Mike listens patiently while Conor rants about Goombas or something.
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Assignment: Read thru Chapter 3
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WOW! Really no words to describe the insane events in the final chapters of Edison’s Conquest of Mars, but we can attempt to sum it up with one syllable; Tom.
No Real or Fanfic here but as a bonus you’ll get Conor’s reimagining of this stone classic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXmShIyjJvg
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Martians, space battles, disintegrators, heat rays, murdered crows — the only thing missing from this story? Colonel Alonzo Jefferson Smith! Sylphan harp players! Compressed food, stolen and eaten with great care!
Also, Mike does pretty well at Real or FanFic, heh heh…
READING ASSIGNMENT finish the book!
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Or download the free ebook here
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Come for the Thrilling Story of an Encounter that Nearly Ended the Great Expedition. Stay for Mike’s Thrilling Performance in Real or Fanfic.
If you love the character of Tom. If you can’t get enough of Sylvanus P. Thompson. If Lord Kelvin makes you giggle with delight, you will love this episode.
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Assignment: For next time read up to “A Tedious Language Lesson” in Chapter 13
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Our first reading of Garrett P. Serviss’ Edison’s Conquest of Mars is a real cracker jack, a tip-top lally-cooler!
Truly, an enjoyable book if for nothing more than the action movie quipping of Professor Sylvanus P. Thompson.
All the departments are here, as well as a description of Mike’s brother-in-law’s actual Edison cylinder mechanism! (Possible Patreon extra demonstration of it to come.)
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Reading assignment: Read up until “The Prisoner Teaches” in chapter 9
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Shake off your weighted blanket and put down that spoon you’re licking yogurt off the back of. It’s no longer cozy season, dammit! It’s time for Book 23 and we’ve got a listener recommendation that promises to be absolutely as uncozy as Christmas River was cozy. In fact, we’re not even certain Coziness had been invented when this book came out!
Here is gallery of images we discuss in this episode
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First assignment: Read thru Chapter 5
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Our final reading Murder in Christmas River answers the deep, impenetrable puzzle at the heart of the book: How many people will show up to a cheesy tourist village the night after a massive three-foot snowstorm to view the judging of a gingerbread house competition? Turns out, a lot. Like, shoulder to shoulder to the point that the oddly bearded sheriff has almost no room to commit his wrongful arrests.
Will our hero Cinnamon Peters be convicted of a murder or will she simply bake more of those things we all talk about on a daily basis, those things that have no other name, cookie panels?
Conor and Mike wrap it up with all the departments sans Real or Fanfic of course, but as always, thank you to everyone and special thanks to Patreon supporters! Happy Holidays and many meat pies to all!
As discussed in the email section here is:
1. A horse doing its Sheriff Trumbow impression
2. Muldoon’s youtube channel
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After 16 chapters we finally get a mystery! Who killed the fancy-dressing Gingerbread House judge who flew into town from Arizona? Sure, it’s a cliché as old as “The butler did it”, but we’re about to find out how they do things in Christmas River!
And the answer is apparently booze, and lots of it. Everyone in this book, from the rugged ex-cop to the adorkable pie baker, is just plastered all the time. During the brief moments of sobriety, will Cinnamon pull it together in time to solve the mystery? She will not, frankly, despite being named the primary suspect, she doesn’t even really seem to care. She’s too busy pining over teenage crushes and cattily insulting her former co-worker. AND WE ARE HERE FOR IT!
Loads of Christmas cheer (dogs with indigestion, meth, and potentially despondent tourists stepping in front of buses.) Plus a very tricky Real or Fanfic and video of drunk Ed McMahon, who would fit in quite well in Christmas River.
Assignment: Finish the damn book!
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Well, Conor and Mike are back in Cozyville where they tick off the cozy cliches:
You know, the same old routine.
Bonus: Mike does NOT do well at Real or Fanfic.
READING ASSIGNMENT: Through Chapter 30 for next time (chapters are very short!)
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Super Constitution behind them, Mike and Conor look toward a future of cabins that have beds with way too many pillows on them, you know, where you go to sleep and have to spend five minutes figuring out where to pile the pillows so you don’t step on them and slip in the dark of night; like, so many pillows that you become angry and start questioning the need for any pillow at all, anywhere? And your significant other starts insisting you keep your voice down because the hosts are just one room away, so you stage whisper as you hold up a non-functional pillow that’s sheathed in a frilly covering, “I mean, what is the goal here? Whose life is made better by this?!” so eventually you manage to cram them in a closet and barely close it…
But! The next morning it snowed and you’re cozy and you have baking powder biscuits and fresh fruit and tea and you sit on cane-back chairs and eat yogurt from the back of a spoon!!!!!!!!! JUST COZY AS ALL #$%$(*&%!!!
Assignment: Read through Chapter 13
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