Episode 77 – Man. Silhouette. LEGEND.

The Irishman is envious of the length of this podcast. But there was so much to talk about!

While Susan sits dazed, stupefied, sooty, unsure of where she is, what she’s doing, how math works, and whether or not she’ll ever get to Stone Manor, the revolting men around her solve the problems posed by E. Tankado.

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A lot of Dumb Sentences, a LOT of technicians yelling, and Conor dives to the Dark Web to find a recreation that will hit you like a bullet to Jabba’s gut.

Ep 76 – The Sad End of Rafael de la Maza

The Brownisms are coming fast and furious now, like chapters in a Dan Brown book!

Conor does Real or Fanfic, we Steal People’s Mail, there are Dumb Sentences galore and Mike discovers the original ending of The Fugitive!

And we meet a ninety-pound live wire!

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Episode 75 – Cuz My Beeper Kept Beepin’

Looking for good writing in a Dan Brown book is a lot like looking for a sock in a bedroom the size of Texas while sewage spews forth out of a crystal decanter. And this section of DIGITAL FORTRESS is no exception.

As the book theoretically reaches the stage where it will have a point, questions still remain such as: Who should we trust, Hale or Strathmore? Do earrings count as needles? Does Genius mean the same thing to Dan Brown as it does the rest of us? How many times can our hosts use the word “Pubis”?

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Pour yourself a silent mug of Guatemalan java and enjoy our latest episode. For next time read thru Chapter 100.

(Bob Fingerman’s Midge cartoon)

Episode 74 – Chapters! We Got Yer Chapters!

Victor Hugo just texted Dan Brown, “Dude, back it down on the chapters, man! It’s not a contest.” Tolstoy throws in a, “Yeah, cut it out, man.”

Yes, the sparse words continue to spill out on the increasing number of pages of Dan Brown’s “Digital Fortress” so Conor and Mike can only counter it with more of their words. 

All the departments are here: Mike makes an attempt at Real or Fanfic. Conor combed the Dark Web and found something other than a rig. Jabba pounds a few damp calzones. 

And folks, I can’t keep the news from you anymore — I’m sorry… Two-Tone is dead. 

I’ll hold a respectful silence while you insert your own Darth Vader-esque “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”‘s….

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NEXT ASSIGNMENT: Read chapters 61 through 80!! (Double exclamation points intentional).

EDIT: Here’s the Gary Gulman standup we referenced  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLECCmKnrys 

Episode 73 – Enter Halite

This episode begins with the introduction of possibly the greatest character in the history of the podcast (apologies to Bleriana, Jack Star, and the Robot Pimp) Greg Hale. He enters like a bull, in all his ogling, olive oil swigging, convicted murderer glory.

From there we’ll move on to international intrigue, tired stereotypes, Idiot Switch theories, mediocre escort salesmen, and deceptive cities. And speaking of Deceptive, there’s this week’s Real or Fanfic!

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For next week, read thru Chapter 60. Hopefully we get to Midge and/or Jabba by that point.

Ep 72 – Bobby Digital in Stereo

Man, so much to talk about and so so much is talked about!!*

Highlights: A withered naked old woman struggles with a bedpan. The smell of urine is in the air. Are the two things connected? You’ll have to listen to find out.

All of our heroes (or are they heroes [SFX tension sting]?) chuckle a lot. Like, vastly more than even that friend-of-a-friend you insist your spouse never invite to lunch again because they chuckle too much and it creeps you out.

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The departments are here: Mike may or may not get destroyed in Real or Fanfic because of Conor’s underhanded chicanery. We’re stealing people’s mail and we have a lot of dumb sentences because Dan Brown who is dumb pens a bunch of dumb sentences.

*Seconds after ending this podcast Mike and Conor talked over microphones again for a RiffTrax meeting. True.

READING ASSIGNMENT FOR NEXT TIME: Through Chap 36. (It’s ok, there are a MILLION chapters.)

Ep 71 – If “Bizarre Foods” Went Horny

A straightforward Dan Brown thriller, if by straightforward you mean vastly underpaid Georgetown professors sticking their heads into drinking fountains and forcing their strange dietary habits on unwitting squash partners.

We also hear from some experts on language and cryptography (and general human behavior, for that matter) about the many many things Mr. Brown gets extremely wrong.

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We have Dumb Sentence of the Week, we Steal People’s Mail, Mike is challenged in Real or Fanfic, Conor hacks into the NSA to steal some of their crap, and also, Mike does a short set at a local comedy club using the humor of our sexy, chiseled leads!

For next time: Read through chapter 22

BTW: a lion drinking fountain liondrinkingfountain.com/pb/wp_07d17bfd/images/img232744df90d60201a7.jpg

Episode 70 – Potato Pudding and Space Catalogs

Alas, today we finish Moon People by Dale M. Courtney. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve eaten cheddar bay biscuits at Red Lobster and then gotten busy as hell afterwards. But there’s only one way to bring this saga to a close: run the thing into a ditch and hitchhike away from it when it’s still smoldering!

Yes, anyone who was hoping for a satisfying end to the saga will have to move on to book 2 because this one just kinda ends. But before it does, we get what is probably the worst space battle ever written, first contact with aliens who go on to compliment our eggplant Parmesan and then show us their space museum, and a remarkably chill version of the president of the United States. All this excitement will make us for get that our main character kinda just stands around for the final third of the book.

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All this plus an examination of the ebook’s final “About the Author” section, a visit to the Dark Web 2.0, and Dumb Sentences and listener emails!

Episode 69 – I Seen All Good People

In the middle third of Moon People our hero David Braymer… does NOT go to the moon, or meet people from the moon. But fittingly for this number episode, he does get busy as hell!

Following what must have been the most erotic Red Lobster dinner in all of recorded history, Cheral is consumed with lust by her Rocket Man, who remains extremely casual about both his sex and going into space for a decade.

Which turns out to be kind of a crappy decision! Because for every promised medium-to-elaborate apartment that turns out to actually be elaborate (Score!), you get weird quirks like gravity not working, or a ponderous permitting process required if you want to bring chickens on board (I thought this was Amercia!)

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We’ll also examine David’s habit of asking the Dumbest First Question Possible, which turns out not to be unique to just him on his family tree. All this plus Real or FanFic, Listener Mail, and DSOTW!

For next time, finish the damn book.