372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

Let’s not delay this any longer: We’ve got a new book picked out to read together, and by all accounts it’s gonna be a doozy. So let’s say goodbye to Norgolia and move on to… Well, you’ll have to listen to find out!

We didn’t know the assignment for MYSTERY BOOK REDACTED when we recorded, but now we do: read thru Chapter 7, that’s page 54 in our version.

Please email us your thoughts on the new book, as well as any fanfic you might cook up in your twisted little brains. And if you care to, support us on Patreon! They’ve already known about this book for days and raided their local stores for the cheapest used copies! patreon.com/372pages

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We teased it in our last episode, but we’re finally ready to reveal to you: our next book is called The Eye of Argon. We figured, what could possibly carry the torch of Ernest Cline’s terrible books, and decided: how about a typo-riddled fantasy novella written five decades ago by a sixteen year old who never published anything again?

The Eye of Argon by Jim Theis is obscure, but it is available in print (VERY curious what the publisher makes of the sudden spike in sales!) Fortunately, it’s also available in every ebook format known to man right here. And if you want a true window into madness, check out the scan of the original issue of the Ozark SF Association “magazine”  it appeared in.

The Eye of Argon is mercifully short, so you could probably read the whole thing in one sitting, but for our next episode we’re only going to read thru the first four chapters. Yes, that includes chapter 3.5. No, we don’t know why there are multiple “half” chapters.

Email us your thoughts and fanfic at 372pages@gmail.com And if you’re interested in supporting our patreon, you can do that here: patreon.com/372pages You’ll get early access to our episodes (Patrons have known the book title since Tuesday!) and the warm feeling that you’re helping make nonsense like this happen!

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We are back! Don’t worry, there is no new Ernest Cline book. But we’ve decided to launch back up to try to tackle some books which may be just as bad or even worse!

DO NOT GET TOO EXCITED! There’s no real content in this episode. It is just A Crummy Commercial for our new Patreon. We ran afoul of the International Podcast Council for A) not having a Patreon and B) not reading commercials for MeUndies. We’re risking a lot by still refusing to do B, but if you’d like to support our Patreon, we’d really appreciate it! For just a few bucks a month you can get early access to episodes, like the episode that reveals OUR NEXT BOOK TITLE which is currently available for patrons RIGHT NOW!

All episodes will still be available for free on this same feed, just a few days after the patreon subscribers get them. So check back here in a few days!

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Recorded live at Sisyphus Brewing in Minneapolis on April 11th, this is our first ever live show… Is how this post used to start before the recording of our live show was lost in an epic tech meltdown!

But never fear, Mike and Conor have reunited to rediscuss the Ready Player One movie, in possibly more depth than even the original discussion! Did it live up to the expectations of the gunter faithful? Or did Spielberg pull a Pendergast? Most importantly: Were there any Battletoads cameos??

Thanks to everyone who came out to the actual live show, and to everyone who encouraged us to share our thoughts even after the disappointment of losing the first recording. Mike will be reprising the first half of the live show on Like Trees Walking, available shortly. And as always, Conor’s Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe novel is available on Kindle and in Paperback.

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When we last left Zack Lightman, he was submerged beneath the Antarctic Ocean, trying to retrieve his father and save the world. But then it was getting close to happy hour, so Ernest Cline decided to just wrap things up and hit publish on one of the most unsatisfying, unbelievably rushed endings we’ve ever seen. We’re talking about an ending where cancer is cured IN ONE SENTENCE, and then the fact that MOST OTHER DISEASES were also cured is tacked on as a parenthetical to that sentence.

Conor & Mike are here to talk you through it though, with ruminations on MLB.tv’s playoff feeds, contorted faces, and a leaked scene featuring their new favorite character, The Emissary. Thanks for reading along with us, it’s been a lot of fun!

Since this is the FINAL Armada episode, we’re auctioning off our copies of the books. PLUS, Lucas Antoniak did an original, one of a kind painting of Chuckette, the original inflatable rig cow, that we’re including in the auction. All proceeds will go to 826 National.

Tickets are still available for our live show, April 11th in Minneapolis, but they’re going fast!

Need something to fill the Cline shaped void in your reading schedule? Get Conor’s book, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe!

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As humanity’s potential end draws near, our heroes still have not been allowed to say goodbye to their loved ones back on Earth. So they all do what any normal person would do in that situation: bang the hell of out someone they just met a few hours ago.

Mike and Conor’s faces contort as they try to make sense of this lovefest. They’ll also hurt a mixture of insults and encouragement at each other as they try to determine the pop culture source of every Shakespeare quote Whoadie spouts, and feel goofy grins spread across their faces as they stump each other with a VERY difficult final installment of Real or Fanfic

Your assignment for next week: finish the damn book! And then buy a ticket to see us live in Minneapolis, April 11th at Sisyphus Brewing. Tickets available here.

Logo and Inflateable Cow Rig T-shirts are currently on sale for just 14 bucks! All t-shirts and our live show poster done by Lucas Antoniak.

Conor’s novel The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe continues to delight readers despite its lack of Star Wars references and inaccurate Godzilla metaphors.

This week’s fanfic written by: Paul DeCoursey-Clark, Daniel Conrad, Alex in Chicago, Jordan Roher, Janelle Scinta, Nick Donald, & Alex Fauth.

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The Europan death armada is just  hours away, and mankind’s last defense force is behaving about how you’d expect: grinning, crushing hard, and making references to classic 80s horror anthologies.

With only 100 pages left in the book, Mike and Conor are convinced that events that advance the plot forward may soon begin to actually occur. In the meantime, we’ll discuss the gamers’ favorite snack foods. There’s also a interesting historical footnote we uncovered revealing the pivotal role D&D played in WW2 and an exceedingly tricky Real or Fancic?

Your assignment for next week: Read up until PHASE THREE, page 293 in our edition.

Please join us on April 11th, for our first ever LIVE podcast, at Sisyphus Brewing in Minneapolis! We’ll be discussing the Ready Player One movie. Online ticketing available soon!

Picked up a copy of Conor’s book, The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe yet?

What about an official 372 Pages t-shirt, designed by Lucas Antoniak?

And keep checking our RiffTrax Kickstarter page, where any day now, an extremely relevant stretch goal will be announced!

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The calendars may say that it’s March, but to us it’s Clinetober! Here at 372 Pages we’re power-leaping into the month like a terrible Godzilla simile from the classic Toho kaiju flick Godzilla. This week’s reading may have broken the all-time record for most notes scrawled in the margins of our copies of Armada.

Conor & Mike are here to examine all of the rich, complex new characters we meet: religious housewife, stoned dude, streetwise teen, and Asian stereotype.  They’ll also examine the classic Angry Chief trope as well as the curious priorities Armada’s characters seem to have when faced with imminent war and annihilation. Plus, an exclusive look at the controversial new process of “Clineifying” classic audiobooks!

All this plus a very tricky Real or Fanfic, the Dumb Sentence of the Week, and for the first time ever a consensus on the Boring Sentence of the Week!

Next week’s assignment: read up to chapter 19, page 250 in our editions.

Conor’s novel The Pole Vault Championship of the Entire Universe is available here.

We have logo t-shirts and one depicting the inflatable cow that is the original hell of a rig! They are available here. Shirt designs by Lucas Antoniak, whose work is here.

Check out our 2018 RiffTrax Kickstarter. Stretch goals announced soon!

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