372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

Man, so much to talk about and so so much is talked about!!*

Highlights: A withered naked old woman struggles with a bedpan. The smell of urine is in the air. Are the two things connected? You’ll have to listen to find out.

All of our heroes (or are they heroes [SFX tension sting]?) chuckle a lot. Like, vastly more than even that friend-of-a-friend you insist your spouse never invite to lunch again because they chuckle too much and it creeps you out.

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The departments are here: Mike may or may not get destroyed in Real or Fanfic because of Conor’s underhanded chicanery. We’re stealing people’s mail and we have a lot of dumb sentences because Dan Brown who is dumb pens a bunch of dumb sentences.

*Seconds after ending this podcast Mike and Conor talked over microphones again for a RiffTrax meeting. True.

READING ASSIGNMENT FOR NEXT TIME: Through Chap 36. (It’s ok, there are a MILLION chapters.)

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A straightforward Dan Brown thriller, if by straightforward you mean vastly underpaid Georgetown professors sticking their heads into drinking fountains and forcing their strange dietary habits on unwitting squash partners.

We also hear from some experts on language and cryptography (and general human behavior, for that matter) about the many many things Mr. Brown gets extremely wrong.

On Patreon we’ve been posting daily quarantine minis, covering wide-ranging topics such as Andy Roony, Beethoven, and Alf dolls. Join the fun at patreon.com/372pages

We have Dumb Sentence of the Week, we Steal People’s Mail, Mike is challenged in Real or Fanfic, Conor hacks into the NSA to steal some of their crap, and also, Mike does a short set at a local comedy club using the humor of our sexy, chiseled leads!

For next time: Read through chapter 22

BTW: a lion drinking fountain liondrinkingfountain.com/pb/wp_07d17bfd/images/img232744df90d60201a7.jpg

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Alas, today we finish Moon People by Dale M. Courtney. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve eaten cheddar bay biscuits at Red Lobster and then gotten busy as hell afterwards. But there’s only one way to bring this saga to a close: run the thing into a ditch and hitchhike away from it when it’s still smoldering!

Yes, anyone who was hoping for a satisfying end to the saga will have to move on to book 2 because this one just kinda ends. But before it does, we get what is probably the worst space battle ever written, first contact with aliens who go on to compliment our eggplant Parmesan and then show us their space museum, and a remarkably chill version of the president of the United States. All this excitement will make us for get that our main character kinda just stands around for the final third of the book.

Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on Patreon! They’ll be the first to find out about our next book, they also get every episode early, fun contests, bonus stuff and more! Join them at patreon.com/372pages

All this plus an examination of the ebook’s final “About the Author” section, a visit to the Dark Web 2.0, and Dumb Sentences and listener emails!

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In the middle third of Moon People our hero David Braymer… does NOT go to the moon, or meet people from the moon. But fittingly for this number episode, he does get busy as hell!

Following what must have been the most erotic Red Lobster dinner in all of recorded history, Cheral is consumed with lust by her Rocket Man, who remains extremely casual about both his sex and going into space for a decade.

Which turns out to be kind of a crappy decision! Because for every promised medium-to-elaborate apartment that turns out to actually be elaborate (Score!), you get weird quirks like gravity not working, or a ponderous permitting process required if you want to bring chickens on board (I thought this was Amercia!)

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We’ll also examine David’s habit of asking the Dumbest First Question Possible, which turns out not to be unique to just him on his family tree. All this plus Real or FanFic, Listener Mail, and DSOTW!

For next time, finish the damn book.

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Hey, there he is! The shadow has lifted from the moon, and from our souls, and MOON PEOPLE is the glorious result! There’s so much to discuss here, so pledge to yourselves and to God that you won’t tell anyone else about it and we’ll get started! There’s:

-DMC’s never before seen method of writing dialogue

-What is a 222?

-Differences between print and kindle version

-Hang on I’m going to eat a quick sandwich

-Which Daytona Red Lobster are they visiting?

-Does any of this math check out?

-Is astronomy a science?

–Cathy Rigby???

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Plus we do some research and discover there actually WAS an editor on this book! And DMC recorded their conversations for posterity! Plus Emails, Dumb Sentences (hoo boy), and a very tricky Real or Fanfic!

For next time read thru chapter 13.

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Here it is, the 11th bad book we’re going to read together. It’s going to be way more enjoyable than Shadow Moon. This short announcement was part of a longer Patreon exclusive mailbag, our supporters have been reading the book for a week already. Lucky them! You can join the fun here: patreon.com/372pages

Book 11 is available in paperback and on kindle. For the first assignment, read thru Chapter 7.

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452 pages, 2 blood whips, and one StagLord later, we have finished SHADOW MOON by George Lucas and Chris Claremont. Much like Thorn/Willow, we are now very tired. Unlike our protagonist, we’ve been lying on the floor for three hours now (being tired) but it has not yet granted us permission to enter.

There’s a ton to talk about in this last episode, but we’ll get ahead of your questions: yes we discuss Burglekutt the beet farmer. We’ll also encounter every animal in existence inside a volcano, which is the sort of thing that sounds awesome if it wasn’t in a book by George Lucas or Chris Claremont. Animals the plump sacred princess gets compared to in this section: A monkey, a ferret, and a raccoon. None of those are meant as compliments.

Thank you so much for taking this journey with us! If you want to get in on our Shadow Moon mailbag, or be the first to find out the title of our next book, please join us on patreon! patreon.com/372pages

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A shocking Very Special Episode! A first in the history of the podcast, possibly a first for any podcast!

The smelly, repugnant, filth-caked, farm-animal-of-a-girl Elora is discussed at length which leads to not one BUT two shocking bathroom tales from Mike and Conor! (Can you get that from Conan’s podcast, I think not?!)

All the departments are here, and it’s just possible that Mike is hitting his stride in Real or Fanfic.

Plus: We discuss the appearance in Shadow Moon of a literal “hell of a rig”.

Support the podcast and join us on Patreon! Get every episode early, bonus eps, contests, our discord and more! patreon.com/372pages

EDIT: Neglected to give the reading assignment which is… wait for it… brace yourselves… yep… FINISH THE BOOK. (We know you’re not going to do that so sorry for the fake drama.)

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Happy new year everyone! A new decade has dawned and we are still reading Shadow Moon. In this segment, to the author’s credit, some stuff actually happens! Unfortunately what happens is that a nude otter-man crashes through the roof of a tavern and the sacred princess takes a dump.

Fortunately, we’re able to gain more insight into the dynamic between our two authors via the magic of secret dark web recordings. We’ll also discuss with asperity Clucas’s new word fascination, “implacable”. And we’ll wrack our brains trying to think up new varieties of vermin.

We’re getting close to 500 supporters on Patreon! Kick in a few bucks and get every episode early, and access to other bonus stuff like Meme Contests, TekWar card reviews, and bonus episodes!

For next time, read thru Chapter 12, page 357.

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Mike and Conor have a pretty straightforward discussion about how Thorn née Willow formerly “the floor” kinda sorta transforms into The Demon / A Dragon / Some Stones / a Liquid Mass of His Own Melted Organs / Some Shards / A Mountain / a Swimmer / a Fish, etc., and in that state puffs air into the demon’s daughter who may or may not be Elora, and then, as he has done several times before, looks around the castle, gets pulverized, crushed, bloody, turns into one searing mass of unbearable agony, then pops through some masonry and starts shoving people into moon fire.

So, pretty clear, though some unusual stuff does happen along the way.

Plus: Conor does Real or FanFic and you won’t believe what happens next!

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For next episode *deep soul-weary sigh* read fifty more pages!

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