372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

So many words, so many of them “monster”!

A jam-packed episode:

• Conor sails through several Sonic Challenges
• Mike, ahem, sails through Real or Fanfic
• Our listeners mail in and we steal it
• Believe it or not there are plenty of Dumb Sentences.
• There are GOFFS! (get it?)

Special thanks to our patreon supporters! Get every episode early and other great bonus stuff not available anywhere else! patreon.com/372pages For next time read through Chapter 9: Hey, we gotta get through this people.

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Let’s read another terrible book! But first, a story (By listener request!) about the time Mike inherited a house. It does not go well.

This should be a fun one, let’s start by reading through Chapter 4!

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Mike and Conor try to make sense of this madness. They come up empty.

Still, there are highlights: Conor does a sonic challenge sexily. Mike manages not to follow a single plot point. The Dumb Sentences of the Week burst forth like milk and honey from the promised land. (Dumb despite the great work from Raven and Medusa!)

PLUS This ep compares our author’s work to:

• James Joyce
• The Bible
• The Tempest
• David Foster Wallace
• Gone with the Wind
• Anthony Wiener

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CONTENT WARNING: This fanfic contains descriptions of self-harm as well as very salty language and adult situations. We pass over them lightly as always but forewarned is forearmed.

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Conor is able to somehow follow the plot of My Immortal! A power that comes in handy when having to explain it to Mike who views it as somewhat more abstruse than the Voynich manuscript.

A packed if mercifully briefer episode than last time we steal mail (including some amazing mash-ups by our listeners), Mike fails spectacularly at Real Fanfic or Fake Fanfic, Conor dives to the dark web once again.

Oh, and the Sonic Challenges are among the best.

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READING ASSIGNMENT FOR NEXT TIME: Finish this collection of typed symbols.

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The artists/works to which we compare this 2006 fanfic include:

• Shakespeare, several times
• Dickens
• Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
• The Bible
• Thelonius Monk
• And more!

Conor unveils his Cockney <?> accent, and it is QUITE something.

Also, we open with an audio recording of one of the first meetings between Mike and Conor and it turns out to be shockingly prescient!

Reading Assignment for next time: Read through chapter 35.

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NOTE:  General  content warning for this book as it contains everything you’d expect from internet fanfic circa 2006 as well as some scenes of self harm.

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We’re doing a new book, and if you listen to this, you can learn what it is! Just don’t email about the giveaway, the winners have already been announced on Patreon.

Here is the free ebook and here is a link to the amazon version.

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The Irishman is envious of the length of this podcast. But there was so much to talk about!

While Susan sits dazed, stupefied, sooty, unsure of where she is, what she’s doing, how math works, and whether or not she’ll ever get to Stone Manor, the revolting men around her solve the problems posed by E. Tankado.

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A lot of Dumb Sentences, a LOT of technicians yelling, and Conor dives to the Dark Web to find a recreation that will hit you like a bullet to Jabba’s gut.

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The Brownisms are coming fast and furious now, like chapters in a Dan Brown book!

Conor does Real or Fanfic, we Steal People’s Mail, there are Dumb Sentences galore and Mike discovers the original ending of The Fugitive!

And we meet a ninety-pound live wire!

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Looking for good writing in a Dan Brown book is a lot like looking for a sock in a bedroom the size of Texas while sewage spews forth out of a crystal decanter. And this section of DIGITAL FORTRESS is no exception.

As the book theoretically reaches the stage where it will have a point, questions still remain such as: Who should we trust, Hale or Strathmore? Do earrings count as needles? Does Genius mean the same thing to Dan Brown as it does the rest of us? How many times can our hosts use the word “Pubis”?

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Pour yourself a silent mug of Guatemalan java and enjoy our latest episode. For next time read thru Chapter 100.

(Bob Fingerman’s Midge cartoon)

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Victor Hugo just texted Dan Brown, “Dude, back it down on the chapters, man! It’s not a contest.” Tolstoy throws in a, “Yeah, cut it out, man.”

Yes, the sparse words continue to spill out on the increasing number of pages of Dan Brown’s “Digital Fortress” so Conor and Mike can only counter it with more of their words. 

All the departments are here: Mike makes an attempt at Real or Fanfic. Conor combed the Dark Web and found something other than a rig. Jabba pounds a few damp calzones. 

And folks, I can’t keep the news from you anymore — I’m sorry… Two-Tone is dead. 

I’ll hold a respectful silence while you insert your own Darth Vader-esque “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO”‘s….

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NEXT ASSIGNMENT: Read chapters 61 through 80!! (Double exclamation points intentional).

EDIT: Here’s the Gary Gulman standup we referenced  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dLECCmKnrys 

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