372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

This episode is nearly two hours long, despite the fact that if you cut out all the sex from these five chapters, all our characters did was buy shoes and play chess. Oh, and they saw a deer.

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Anyway, there’s a ton of fun details to dive into. We’ve got a word count guessing game, an alternative ending for a book, a deleted scene that finds Maxim green with envy, fanfic, emails, and dumb sentences! Plus we’ll kick things off with an announcement about the return of an old friend of the podcast. So cut a slice of banoffee, fire up some shitty mellow artist on your Sonos, and listen now!

For next time read up to page 388, thru chapter 24

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WARNING: This section of The Mister may contain the dumbest sentence we’ve ever covered on this show.

Join us in pastoral Cornwall, where Maxim and the entrancing Alessia, who’s beauty, we’re often reminded, is very beautiful, are hiding out from Albania sex traffickers. What do they do to pass the time? What any two attractive (Alessia is very attractive) young people would do: eat fish pies and get busy as hell.

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Along the way we’ll learn that our hero can visually assess whether women in a truck stop restroom look like they’ve been sex-trafficked from Eastern Europe, meet the world’s fastest interrupter, and meet Megan, a sullen hag who Maxim of course has already banged. We’ll also debut a new Review-based department!

For next time, read up to page 319, thru chapter 19.

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In part two of our deep dive into The Mister, author EL James gives her audience exactly what they came for: Sex! Nobody actually having it, of course, but people are being trafficked for it in a cheap attempt to lend gravitas to a tawdry romance novel! We were so disgusted our groins barely stirred at all.

This week we’ll get to meet Maxim’s bros and pay a visit to his family estates. We’ll crack a smile anytime we don’t see condoms, and finally get a good look at Alessia underneath that revolting housecoat. (Spoiler alert: she’s very attractive, and also a genius.)

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Real or Fanfic returns, along with a dark web look at some of the other times that Maxim held his tongue (turns out he’s done it a lot throughout history, not just when he’s offered revolting instant coffee)

For next time, read thru Chapter 14, to page 235!

Link to Facts King’s Albania page:  https://factsking.com/countries/albania/ 

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Who’s ready to get British and horny?? This is our first episode devoted to The Mister by EL James, and it’s obviously unlike anything we’ve read on here before.  We’ll examine the author’s clever methods for padding out the book length, as well as some very surprising similarities to the works of Ernest Cline. We’ll also examine how a cartoon wolf might respond to the sight of someone polishing a piano in an alluring nylon housecoat. We’ll also check out the dark web and establish some powerful new Albanian stereotypes. Join us!!!

Our Patreon supporters have been listening to this episode all weekend, literally, non-stop. They’re nuts. Join them and get every episode early! patreon.com/372pages

All this plus some truly Dumb Sentences of the week and a surprisingly tricky Fanfic or Real? segment

For next time, read thru chapter 9, page 156

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Time to start our seventh book together! This one promises to be quite the journey. Don’t want to ruin this surprise, so get listening!

Oh and by the way, our Patreon supporters have been reading this book all weekend because they get every episode early! Lucky them…? If you want to join them, we really appreciate the support! patreon.com/372pages

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We are back after a week in Nashville! While we were there, we figured that we would take advantage of the opportunity to record face to face. So we recorded a dynamic, hilarious, touching video rattling off some potential Next Book candidates (it was well shot too.) Unfortunately, Mike had a checked bag mishap with his camera on the flight home (the airline killed it, thinking it was a service dog)

So we have reprised the chat over audio for folks to listen to! We’ll discuss six candidates for potential new books. Listen and let us know what you think!

Our Patreon supporters have been discussing these potential books all week! Join them and get every episode early for jut $5 a month: patreon.com/372pages

Links to the books we discussed, but without revealing titles:

ONE 

TWO 

THREE 

FOUR 

FIVE 

SIX 

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Thank god this book was not 372 pages long. Neither of us could have handled that.  Bob Honey was fortunately only 160, and even so, managed to have three different characters crap their pants, two of them in this final section. It’s a fitting metaphor for something, but we’ll be damned if we’re going to puzzle it out, we’re too busy enjoying our heated pool.

Also enjoying their heated pool? Our Patreon supporters! If you hurry and join them, you can enter to win Mike & Conor’s copies of Bob Honey and also get every episode early! patreon.com/372pages

There is a lot to discuss as we wrap up this entry: the appropriate theme music for one of Bob’s killing sprees, the practicality of the business model of dosing unsuspecting kids with acid, and what Penn might have left out of his wrap up poem.

This was quite a ride, and we’re thankful for everyone who took it with us! Hopefully our next target will prove a bit more whimsical and a bit less alliterative!

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Our favorite unreliable narrator who is also a toilet salesman/mallet assassin is back to bring his book into the homestretch! We’ve got brand new onomatopoeias, lipstick smeared on teeth, and of course, boatloads of alliteration. There’s also a literal boat, which our hero uses to abandon Hurricane Katrina relief effort volunteers to their death. (this is the “stuff” that he evidently “just do.”) There’s also got some fanfic which, though it may not be our most difficult batch yet, gives us a whole lot to look forward to in the book’s final chapters.

Best of all, author Sean Penn has popped up recently on the late night talk show circuit to promote Bob Honey’s paperback release. We’ll examine his recent appearance, where he claims to “laugh a lot while I am writing” and we’ll also look back at some of his previous talk show appearances, where he apparently has a go to defense of his writing that he trots out.

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We are thankfully finishing the damn book for next time!

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The enigma that is Bob Honey continues to baffle and frustrate us. From offering guests a drink that no human has ever consumed (and they accept??), to possessing a secret preternatural scuba diving activity, to being unable to comprehend basic figures of speech. Oh, and he’s a literal superhero we find out too! So that’s just delightful.

Our dark web contacts come thru again with more reenactments, Mike tries a social experiment on his patient wife, and a challenging round of Real or Fanfic? 

If you enjoy the podcast, please consider supporting us on Patreon. Kick in $5 to get every episode early, and just $1 helps out as well and gets you some bonus stuff!

For next time read up to page 121, or right after Pappy Pariah shares his poem.

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Sean Penn certainly has written a collective of words arranged into sentences! There’s a lot to discuss in our first episode diving into Bob Honey Who Just Do Stuff. There’s the mysterious backstory Penn created for the book, the maddening alliteration, and the book’s strange ability to make you dislike stuff you previously thought you enjoyed.

We’ll also play a round of “Create your own Sean Penn character“, to show you how easy it is to make a character this eccentric. Plus, the roots of Penn’s satire inspire a brand new movie trailer.

If you support our Patreon you’ve already heard this episode! Get every ep a few days early, plus extra stuff we only post there.

For next time read up Part 2!

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