372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

Shake off your weighted blanket and put down that spoon you’re licking yogurt off the back of. It’s no longer cozy season, dammit! It’s time for Book 23 and we’ve got a listener recommendation that promises to be absolutely as uncozy as Christmas River was cozy. In fact, we’re not even certain Coziness had been invented when this book came out!

Here is gallery of images we discuss in this episode

Buy the book here or read for free online.

First assignment: Read thru Chapter 5

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Support the podcast on Patreon where you’ll get every episode a week early and hear our recaps of the two other cozy Christmas mysteries we read this December!

Our final reading Murder in Christmas River answers the deep, impenetrable puzzle at the heart of the book: How many people will show up to a cheesy tourist village the night after a massive three-foot snowstorm to view the judging of a gingerbread house competition? Turns out, a lot. Like, shoulder to shoulder to the point that the oddly bearded sheriff has almost no room to commit his wrongful arrests.

Will our hero Cinnamon Peters be convicted of a murder or will she simply bake more of those things we all talk about on a daily basis, those things that have no other name, cookie panels?

Conor and Mike wrap it up with all the departments sans Real or Fanfic of course, but as always, thank you to everyone and special thanks to Patreon supporters! Happy Holidays and many meat pies to all!

As discussed in the email section here is:

1. A horse doing its Sheriff Trumbow impression

2. Muldoon’s youtube channel

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Support the podcast on Patreon and hear all about the batshit crazy cozy mystery we read last week: patreon.com/372pages

Get the current book here: https://amzn.to/3Ura5W6

After 16 chapters we finally get a mystery! Who killed the fancy-dressing Gingerbread House judge who flew into town from Arizona? Sure, it’s a cliché as old as “The butler did it”, but we’re about to find out how they do things in Christmas River!

And the answer is apparently booze, and lots of it. Everyone in this book, from the rugged ex-cop to the adorkable pie baker, is just plastered all the time. During the brief moments of sobriety, will Cinnamon pull it together in time to solve the mystery? She will not, frankly, despite being named the primary suspect, she doesn’t even really seem to care. She’s too busy pining over teenage crushes and cattily insulting her former co-worker. AND WE ARE HERE FOR IT!

Loads of Christmas cheer (dogs with indigestion, meth, and potentially despondent tourists stepping in front of buses.) Plus a very tricky Real or Fanfic and video of drunk Ed McMahon, who would fit in quite well in Christmas River.

Assignment: Finish the damn book!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Support the podcast on Patreon and get some EXTRA cozy this Christmas season! patreon.com/372pages

Get the book HERE (it’s free on Kindle Unlimited)

Well, Conor and Mike are back in Cozyville where they tick off the cozy cliches:

• Sentient dog
• Drunk, unpleasant, misanthropic grandfather
• Horrible tourists
• Money-grubbing shop owners
• Platinum blonde pie shop workers who “date” every man in town
• Handsome, divorced podiatrists who work for free
• Horny young men who spill coffee on their horny selves
• German doctors who prescribe Melba toast to their patients

You know, the same old routine.

Bonus: Mike does NOT do well at Real or Fanfic.

READING ASSIGNMENT: Through Chapter 30 for next time (chapters are very short!)

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Our patreon supporters have been reading this book for a week already! Join in the fun at patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here (Free on Kindle Unlimited)

Super Constitution behind them, Mike and Conor look toward a future of cabins that have beds with way too many pillows on them, you know, where you go to sleep and have to spend five minutes figuring out where to pile the pillows so you don’t step on them and slip in the dark of night; like, so many pillows that you become angry and start questioning the need for any pillow at all, anywhere? And your significant other starts insisting you keep your voice down because the hosts are just one room away, so you stage whisper as you hold up a non-functional pillow that’s sheathed in a frilly covering, “I mean, what is the goal here? Whose life is made better by this?!” so eventually you manage to cram them in a closet and barely close it…

But! The next morning it snowed and you’re cozy and you have baking powder biscuits and fresh fruit and tea and you sit on cane-back chairs and eat yogurt from the back of a spoon!!!!!!!!! JUST COZY AS ALL #$%$(*&%!!!

Assignment: Read through Chapter 13

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Find out our next book before everyone else when you support the podcast on Patreon! patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here

To quote the perpetually stoned kid who sawed his finger off in my high school Shop Class and had it surgically re-attached, writing in my year book, “What a long, strange trip it’s been!” Emphasis on the long. (Note to author: EDIT!!)

We wrap up our reading of the manifesto and as with all other readings find hidden delights among the endless monologues on tax rates and troop deployments.

Thanks to you all who read along, or didn’t but contributed Real or Fanfic, sent in Dumb Sentences or your emails, we appreciate it immensely!

On to the next book!

To submit dumb sentences and fanfic, or just get in touch, email us at 372pages@gmail.com or send us a patreon message!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Support the podcast on Patreon! Once we hit 1000 supporters, Mike will watch Forrest Gump for the first time as a live watchalong! patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here

Well, we’re one ep away from being done with Charles Kim’s ̶i̶n̶s̶a̶n̶e̶, u̶n̶h̶i̶n̶g̶e̶d̶ m̶a̶n̶i̶f̶e̶s̶t̶o̶ novel and one thing is becoming clear: unless you hold multiple degrees from Ivy League institutions he thinks you are human garbage and wants you dead.

Other things you’ll learn: there’s nothing that can’t be solved by throwing a cozy cocktail party. Always allow attendants at your meetings to bite ham and cheese sandwich (but only after the lunch hour, and only after consulting with U.S. President!!) And finally, if you’re a fan of people describing proposed military division numbers at great length, your ship has come in!

READING ASSIGNMENT: Finish the ̶i̶n̶s̶a̶n̶e̶, u̶n̶h̶i̶n̶g̶e̶d̶ m̶a̶n̶i̶f̶e̶s̶t̶o̶ book!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

See how our trip to the Mall of American Bubba Gump Shrimp Company went, only on the 372 Patreon! patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here

We’re deep into Super Constitution now and this is our chance to see how the sausage is made (HINT: it requires a killing ray). 

Another big question is answered as Miss O’Hara makes a visual appearance and… spoiler alert, she’s hot. We’re talking Pepperidge Farm-guy hot!

Also, Mike’s Real or Fanfic score takes an adjustment, despite having a new theme song sent in by a listener.

NEXT ASSIGNMENT: Read Articles 13 through 16, inclusive.

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Support the podcast on Patreon! Get every episode early and other exclusive fun stuff! patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here

Well, after a rough start we’re back on track. Super Constitution was a little strange out of the gate but now it’s nothing more than a classic sci-fi nov– haha, I can’t finish that sentence. It is of course a baffling, shocking, hilarious stew of words that somehow manages to get weirder as it goes along!

You simply must read along.

AND you simply must hear Mike’s Real or Fanfic results…

Reading Assignment: Read through Article 12

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS

Support the podcast on Patreon to get every episode early, hear our recent live show from Minneapolis, and more great stuff! patreon.com/372pages

Get the book here

Webster’s defines “insane” as THIS BOOK!

Find out how a book titled SUPER CONSTITUTION is hornier than The Mister, Susan Fletcher, and a Moon People date at Red Lobster combined. We’ll also meet (and then quickly abandon) a being from a galaxy 21 light years away, witness the most impressive Karate display be a five year old in history, and read a sentence that will insure you never look at an octopus the same way every again.

For next time read thru Chapter, er, we mean Article 8!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: RSS