372 Pages We'll Never Get Back

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After 16 chapters we finally get a mystery! Who killed the fancy-dressing Gingerbread House judge who flew into town from Arizona? Sure, it’s a cliché as old as “The butler did it”, but we’re about to find out how they do things in Christmas River!

And the answer is apparently booze, and lots of it. Everyone in this book, from the rugged ex-cop to the adorkable pie baker, is just plastered all the time. During the brief moments of sobriety, will Cinnamon pull it together in time to solve the mystery? She will not, frankly, despite being named the primary suspect, she doesn’t even really seem to care. She’s too busy pining over teenage crushes and cattily insulting her former co-worker. AND WE ARE HERE FOR IT!

Loads of Christmas cheer (dogs with indigestion, meth, and potentially despondent tourists stepping in front of buses.) Plus a very tricky Real or Fanfic and video of drunk Ed McMahon, who would fit in quite well in Christmas River.

Assignment: Finish the damn book!

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Well, Conor and Mike are back in Cozyville where they tick off the cozy cliches:

• Sentient dog
• Drunk, unpleasant, misanthropic grandfather
• Horrible tourists
• Money-grubbing shop owners
• Platinum blonde pie shop workers who “date” every man in town
• Handsome, divorced podiatrists who work for free
• Horny young men who spill coffee on their horny selves
• German doctors who prescribe Melba toast to their patients

You know, the same old routine.

Bonus: Mike does NOT do well at Real or Fanfic.

READING ASSIGNMENT: Through Chapter 30 for next time (chapters are very short!)

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Super Constitution behind them, Mike and Conor look toward a future of cabins that have beds with way too many pillows on them, you know, where you go to sleep and have to spend five minutes figuring out where to pile the pillows so you don’t step on them and slip in the dark of night; like, so many pillows that you become angry and start questioning the need for any pillow at all, anywhere? And your significant other starts insisting you keep your voice down because the hosts are just one room away, so you stage whisper as you hold up a non-functional pillow that’s sheathed in a frilly covering, “I mean, what is the goal here? Whose life is made better by this?!” so eventually you manage to cram them in a closet and barely close it…

But! The next morning it snowed and you’re cozy and you have baking powder biscuits and fresh fruit and tea and you sit on cane-back chairs and eat yogurt from the back of a spoon!!!!!!!!! JUST COZY AS ALL #$%$(*&%!!!

Assignment: Read through Chapter 13

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To quote the perpetually stoned kid who sawed his finger off in my high school Shop Class and had it surgically re-attached, writing in my year book, “What a long, strange trip it’s been!” Emphasis on the long. (Note to author: EDIT!!)

We wrap up our reading of the manifesto and as with all other readings find hidden delights among the endless monologues on tax rates and troop deployments.

Thanks to you all who read along, or didn’t but contributed Real or Fanfic, sent in Dumb Sentences or your emails, we appreciate it immensely!

On to the next book!

To submit dumb sentences and fanfic, or just get in touch, email us at 372pages@gmail.com or send us a patreon message!

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Well, we’re one ep away from being done with Charles Kim’s ̶i̶n̶s̶a̶n̶e̶, u̶n̶h̶i̶n̶g̶e̶d̶ m̶a̶n̶i̶f̶e̶s̶t̶o̶ novel and one thing is becoming clear: unless you hold multiple degrees from Ivy League institutions he thinks you are human garbage and wants you dead.

Other things you’ll learn: there’s nothing that can’t be solved by throwing a cozy cocktail party. Always allow attendants at your meetings to bite ham and cheese sandwich (but only after the lunch hour, and only after consulting with U.S. President!!) And finally, if you’re a fan of people describing proposed military division numbers at great length, your ship has come in!

READING ASSIGNMENT: Finish the ̶i̶n̶s̶a̶n̶e̶, u̶n̶h̶i̶n̶g̶e̶d̶ m̶a̶n̶i̶f̶e̶s̶t̶o̶ book!

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We’re deep into Super Constitution now and this is our chance to see how the sausage is made (HINT: it requires a killing ray). 

Another big question is answered as Miss O’Hara makes a visual appearance and… spoiler alert, she’s hot. We’re talking Pepperidge Farm-guy hot!

Also, Mike’s Real or Fanfic score takes an adjustment, despite having a new theme song sent in by a listener.

NEXT ASSIGNMENT: Read Articles 13 through 16, inclusive.

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Well, after a rough start we’re back on track. Super Constitution was a little strange out of the gate but now it’s nothing more than a classic sci-fi nov– haha, I can’t finish that sentence. It is of course a baffling, shocking, hilarious stew of words that somehow manages to get weirder as it goes along!

You simply must read along.

AND you simply must hear Mike’s Real or Fanfic results…

Reading Assignment: Read through Article 12

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Webster’s defines “insane” as THIS BOOK!

Find out how a book titled SUPER CONSTITUTION is hornier than The Mister, Susan Fletcher, and a Moon People date at Red Lobster combined. We’ll also meet (and then quickly abandon) a being from a galaxy 21 light years away, witness the most impressive Karate display be a five year old in history, and read a sentence that will insure you never look at an octopus the same way every again.

For next time read thru Chapter, er, we mean Article 8!

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(This book may be a little hard to find because our Patreon supporters learned what it was a week ago and bought up all the copies. Join them so you don’t miss out in the future! patreon.com/372pages )

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The podcast is now officially old enough to legally drink, if you are going by the number of books we’ve covered and not episodes, which would probably be the more accurate way of doing it. But that’s a good thing, because it might need a few to deal with this book!

We’re pleased to announce Book 21. We have no record of how it came to be recommended to us, so please let us know if it was you so we can tell who to blame. It sounds very promising and we’re excited to dive in.

ASSIGNMENT: Read through Article 4

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Come see us do our first LIVE PODCAST in three years, Friday 7/22 at Bryant Lake Bowl in Minneapolis! Details on our facebook and twitter pages.

Thanks to everyone who supports the podcast on patreon. Find out when live show tix are on sale, get every episode early, enter contests, and other fun stuff! patreon.com/372pages

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Sorry Mr. King, but Gump & Co comes to an end in this episode. Console yourself by interviewing Freedom Williams of C&C Music Factory. But not until you’ve listened to this episode, because there’s a ton going on!

Well, there’s mostly: A) oysters B) asses & shit C) escalating degrees of assin’ around. But there’s also a healthy does of real time word count padding in between beloved characters dying and or hitting their kids while speculating what type of underwear said kids are wearing. 

Here’s the updated document with Real or Fanfic Statistics, courtesy of Lucas. And here’s the trailer for the Indian Gump remake.

Thanks for taking the GUMPANY journey with us, we’ll be back soon with another book to read together. And stay tuned RIGHT HERE for an exciting announcement about our first LIVE SHOW in three years…

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